Carl - A "PyCon Friend"

Carl - A "PyCon Friend"

The first story of coming out is from Carl. Carl and I met at PyCon a few years ago, and we have become "PyCon friends." We see each other in person once a year at PyCon, and we interact sporadically with each other on Twitter and Facebook. In spite of our somewhat infrequent contact, I would say our friendship is genuine.

Carl is middle aged, low key, and his appearance tends to support his own description of himself as conservative. He is also so  self-deprecating that I sometimes want to shake him. 

And yet Carl is the first person I'm writing about in series. That's for the very simple reason that when the word got out that I was considering this project, he immediately sent me the messages we had exchanged when I told him about my transition, along with the following note:

Naomi,

I saw your idea for recording the reactions of people learning about your trans status (I think it was on twitter).

Disclaimer:  I am not that important nor that smart or accomplished.

Nonetheless, the exchange below fits into the "breaking the ice" type of experience, support, etc. that you are talking about.

If you want to use this for anything trans-related or related to the project, you have my permission to use my identity, my situation (the loss of my wife to suicide), etc. for the project.  I'd rather not have my e-mail published for spam reasons. But if a non-anonymous e-mail is a sign of solidarity with you or the trans movement, I will happily suffer the spam.

Thanks for being you.

Carl

See what I mean about the self-deprecation? But even so, it's pretty clear that Carl is a genuinely good guy.

I don't know when I would have come out to Carl, if I hadn't gotten an email from him about a month before my transition. It was an appeal for donations to a suicide prevention walk he was doing. In it he mentioned that he had fairly recently lost his wife to suicide, but the hook of  his appeal was a joke about how he needed to raise a certain amount of money to get the T-shirt. (Yeah, guys are like that sometimes, god love 'em.)

I really wanted to express my sympathy over his loss, and to give a little to his cause, but it seemed false to do so as the old me, since the old me would be gone even before he did the walk. So along with my condolences and my donation, he got the unexpected news of my transition, and I wondered if I'd lost a PyCon friend.

I didn't have long to wait - in about two hours I had this in my inbox:

Thank you so much for your donation to the suicide foundation.

I haven't read your blog post yet, but I understand you must be going
through a lot.  The physical end of things, as I understand it, is
pretty challenging.  No doubt the emotional end is far more so.

I am totally ignorant about these things and will undoubtably say very
stupid, offensive things.  Try to remember that my intentions are good
and that I like you and think highly of you.

If I offer to take Naomi out to dinner or hit on her, try not to hate me.

Hang in there.  As long as they're not doing anything to that
genius brain of yours, everything will go fine!  All the best.

So I still had Carl as a PyCon friend. The line about taking Naomi out to dinner startled me. It implied that once I transitioned, he'd think of me as a woman, and that was something I'd told myself I shouldn't expect from anyone. 

When I recently asked him to describe his re-action to my news, Carl's answer was this:

I hope my further information/answer to your question isn't an affront
or hurtful in any way.  I always value honesty above all else - this
is a mixed bag:

1) I was surprised that you had anything "going on."  You seemed so
happy and upbeat.  I never would have known you had inner conflict.

2) Concern - I genuinely like you.  It's not a question of whether I
approve/disapprove/think it's normal/think it's not - it has
everything to do with "I hope Naomi gets through this OK."

Really, that's it.  The whole deal with your gender did not enter my
thought process (and, honestly, raised hard core Catholic, I will
probably always be in my gut socially conservative).  It was all about
someone I liked and respected and their welfare.  What can I say?
People (even oafish types like me) are complex.

Carl makes it clear that he didn't really know the "right" way to support me. In fact, he was pretty sure that he was going to do something wrong.  But when it came down to the heart of the matter he was right on:  "It's not a question of whether I approve/disapprove/think it's normal/think it's not ...  It was all about someone I liked and respected and their welfare."

Thanks, Carl, for your support and your friendship. See you at PyCon.